When considering the choice to have a child, every man should honestly ask himself, "Why am I doing this?"
The answer to this question is rarely simple. Our true reasons are often buried under “good reasons,” the ones we’re comfortable sharing with others. We might quickly jump to assumptions like “It’s my duty as a man,” or “Real men should be fathers”.
In the spirit of exploring our true motivations, here are some common reasons men want to become fathers. Perhaps one or several will resonate with you.
"Fathers are liked and respected"
You may feel that being a father will elevate your status at work. Your boss or employees may take you more seriously. People with children are perceived as more serious and rooted, more mature. It’s also easier to make social connections as a father than as a man without children.
"A child will strengthen our marriage"
Maybe you and your partner have drifted apart a little. You think having a baby will bring you closer, and you’ll feel intimate and tender again.
"Being a father will make me feel like a man"
Many men feel higher self-esteem as fathers. They have another life achievement under their belts. It feels like a success marker. They respect and value themselves more highly and take pride in their father status.
"I want to give my child what I never had"
If you had an unhappy childhood, or one full of struggles, you might want to have a child whom you can give everything you wish you’d had. This includes all the resources and opportunities to become successful. Your child can have what you never did.
So, what’s wrong with these reasons?
If you analyze the reasons above, they’re not about your child; they’re about you. They expect a child to solve problems they had no hand in causing. It’s unreasonable and unfair to expect a child to repair what only you can. A child is his own person, and parents are tasked with being there for them; it’s not the other way around [1].
What if one of those reasons really hit home for me?
You don't need to feel nervous or ashamed. Now’s your chance to really explore your needs and how you can meet them without relying on your child. Your child can do nothing to help you feel more pride or self-respect, or to revitalize your marriage. Your child is a gift with inherent value, and the love and joy he brings will change your life because he is now in it. Work on your internal doubts and conflicts in more constructive ways, and keep your relationship with your child about him.
What if none of those reasons hit home for me?
Congratulations! It’s a head start and a positive state to be in. You should want to have a child to give love, to impart wisdom and care, and to enjoy watching a whole person develop and grow. This approach is mature and can only be authentically held when a man takes responsibility for his own internal issues.
