A new baby in the family can be stressful for a teenager, especially if they grew up an only child. Kids aged 12-17 can react to the news in a variety of ways. Some will be excited and want to help plan for their baby brother or sister, while others might have a meltdown or feel anxiety over how life might change.
A dramatic reaction is normal for their age. Teenagers may look like adults, sound like adults, and even take care of themselves like adults, but their perception and understanding of the world is still developing. The prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for logical thinking, decision-making, and self-control — won’t fully develop for several more years into adulthood [1].
So, how should you talk to your teenager about a new baby?
Explain that everyone in the family is loved, important, and irreplaceable
Teenagers’ mindsets are often consumed by strong emotions. When they hear a new baby is coming, they may believe that their parents don’t love them anymore, aren’t interested in them anymore, or just don’t need them anymore.
To get ahead of this possible fear, sit down with your teenager and explain that the new baby brother or sister poses no threat to him or to anyone else in the family. No one is being replaced, and no one will become any less important because of the new addition to the family. It’s important to make your teenager feel known, appreciated, and valued. Explain that the new baby will not suck up all your time, but will allow the family — including extended family — to get closer and spend more time together.
In addition, Dr. Susan Buttross, medical director of the Center for the Advancement of Youth at Universal of Mississippi Medical Center, advises that parents should not expect a teenager to take care of his new sibling. Instead, highlight the opportunity to set a good example, as big brother or sister is likely to be “a star in the baby’s eyes” [2].
It’s really important that your teenager have regular reminders of the family’s stability while changes are happening. One idea is to establish a tradition: make Thursday night pizza and board game night, or dedicate Saturday afternoons to crafting or DIY. Make sure it’s a family activity where everyone participates and gets to enjoy one another’s company.
Listen well and don't dismiss your teenager’s feelings
Human behavior and family expert Dr. Gail Gross suggests, “At least once a week, create a time and a quiet place to have a family conversation, where you can all take turns, as a family, talking about your feelings in an empathic way.” Take the time to ask your teenager how they feels and what they are afraid of or worried about. Listen attentively to all they have to say. “Be sure to let your child know that they always will have an important spot and will always be special, no matter what,” says Gross [2].
It goes without saying that you should allow them to share whatever is on their mind without shaming or scolding them for their feelings. By allowing them to share negative emotions, you will build trust and leave an open door to future communication. You can also share memories and experiences from your own teen years that will let them know you understand and empathize.
If you sense that your child is not coping well with their negative emotions, try leafing through photo albums from their childhood. This will give you the opportunity to remind them of their importance in the family and bond over shared history [2].
