Many parents fear that if they don’t adopt a strict, authoritative parenting style their child will grow up spoiled or lazy. They listen to grandparents, friends, and arguably outdated experts who insist that keeping their little ones on a tight leash will prevent them from running wild or growing into unsuccessful adults with no clear path.
Scientific research contradicts this well-worn advice. Corporal punishment (like spanking), for example, violates a child’s right to physical integrity and threatens their human dignity; it is not considered a healthy practice and hinders their development. Spanking does nothing to further a child’s education and undermines their right to live free from torture and other cruel, inhuman, or degrading treatments or punishments [1].
Children raised in an overly strict home where corporal punishment is normalized, are less prepared for adult life than those raised in an environment where affection and care are the norm. Rather than diminish their potential, this warm approach contributes to their future success.
Why is a gentler approach to child-rearing better?
From an early age, children need to feel the support and understanding of their caregivers. From an evolutionary standpoint, all young mammals are wholly dependent on their parents, as it’s their only chance of survival.
A baby begins to learn about the world from their first year of life. Everything is new and unfamiliar. Along with the joy of discovery comes the frustration of failure—physical discomfort, not getting what they want, fears, and confusion. In these cases, babies feel disappointment, sadness, and anxiety, which can lead to uncontrollable crying or tantrums.
The parent’s or caregiver’s response to the child’s frustration is of the utmost importance. If a strict father coldly ignores his child or chastises them for crying, he’s not “toughening them up”, because the baby’s reasoning is something like: “I feel bad. My emotions are overflowing. I don’t know what to do. I want my parents to comfort me and teach me to cope with this so I can calm down. Instead, they are scolding or ignoring me. This world is scary, and I feel lonely and small.” Yes, that’s a complex representation of a baby’s “gut” response but imagine what this experience, repeated many times, can do to a small child’s understanding of themselves, of their parents, and of the world they live in.
Babies and small children whose emotions are ignored learn to ignore them themselves. They suppress their feelings when they become adults and can fail to recognize or understand them. That can lead to relationship issues, low self-esteem, and inappropriate behaviors in high-stress situations. These individuals can have a hard time in their work, social and family lives, and in raising their own children.
How should I handle my child’s frustration?
The most important step is to listen. Listen to why your child is upset. Let them describe their fears, worries, and frustrations. And if they're happy, listen to why they’re excited and pleased). Listening may seem trivial, but it means the world to a child.
Afterward, you can gently and calmly talk to your child. Comfort them patiently and explain how you deal with difficult feelings, worries, and fears. Let them know they can come to you anytime, and tell them that you won’t ignore, belittle, or scold them for doing so. In the future, this will help them remain calm under stress, trust more in their abilities, and have more balanced emotional responses.
Do young children manipulate their parents?
While you may occasionally question their sincerity, a child under seven years old does not have the mental and emotional capacity to manipulate you, as their nervous system is not developed enough for that. Their tantrums are a consequence of their brain’s immaturity; the centers responsible for regulating emotions are underdeveloped, as are those responsible for logical reasoning and decision-making. Simple stimuli can frighten, upset, and irritate them.
As a parent, you can “stand in” for your child’s underdeveloped emotions. Be their logical reasoning and their emotional regulator. Talk them through their feelings and provide comfort. Let them know that this will pass and that when they’re upset, they can turn to you for help. This is one of the best ways things you can do to set them on their way to becoming healthy, happy adults [2, 3].
