Every mother wants her pregnancy to be perfect. But, inevitably, not everything goes the way you want. Plans are thwarted, unforeseen circumstances appear.
You may be worried by all the unpredictable things ahead of you — what will the birth be like? What will parenting be like? How will my relationship with my partner change? Dwelling on all the unknowns can be maddening.
The desire to control everything is natural
Pregnancy itself is a powerful source of stress. If at the same time life throws you a lot of surprises, then the stress increases. It's natural for people to strive to control everything. However, having control is often an illusion [1].
However, our predictions are inaccurate
Research by the American psychologist and Nobel Laureate Daniel Kahneman has shown that people are actually quite bad at making predictions for the future. They are overly optimistic and irrational. Our thinking tends to find simple solutions: we create ideal stories for ourselves with enviable stability. Unfortunately, these scenarios take into account only factors that fit into our picture of the world, and ignore what we do not want to notice [2]. It is not surprising that in the end our plans are changed by circumstances that we did not take into account.
Therefore, it’s best to simply accept uncertainty
There are simply some situations we can not control. Imagine that you are stuck in a traffic jam and you are late for work or your doctor's appointment. You are worried. You feel like you need to do something to change the situation. But you cannot do anything, and this only increases your anxiety. What's happening? You are trying to shoulder the burden of responsibility for a situation that you cannot influence [3].
If things don't go according to plan, there’s no reason to worry. Your attempts to control a situation will not change it in any way. Instead, try to rethink your attitude towards uncertainty. Does it mean that everything will be bad? Not necessarily — uncertainty is inherently neutral.
Moreover, we experience uncertainty in our daily life. Hardly a day goes by that goes perfectly according to plan. Maybe you meet a friend on your lunch break? Or pop into a new coffee shop that just opened. Some things in our life, in principle, are built on uncertainty. Will you watch a TV show or read the detective story if you know the plot? Will someone go to a football game if all the events of the game are preordained? No, it would be too boring [3].
How to deal with uncertainty?
It’s best to start with simple situations. For example, let's say you find yourself in a long line at the checkout in a supermarket. The cashier is working slowly, which greatly annoys you. Observe your thoughts and reactions for three minutes.
Ask yourself:
What am I thinking?
What physical sensations are there in my body?
What emotions am I experiencing?
Note how you felt directly in response to an unpleasant situation. Was it mixed with emotions that are associated with experiences on other occasions? Mentally separate the primary feeling from the secondary thoughts. Allow yourself to feel the negative emotions, whatever they are — irritation, anger, etc. Take a deep breath and accept that this is also a part of your life. Then straighten up and breathe calmly [4].
