You may have begun to notice that relationships with your parents and in-laws have become more difficult just after you told them you were having a baby. Maybe your mother has become obsessive, calling you everyday to check on how you are doing. Or maybe the contrary has occurred — your usually doting father has become cold and indifferent. More and more often misunderstandings and disagreements arise in your family relationships.
What’s going on? Let’s take a look at what’s happening for your parents as they embark on becoming grandparents.
Yes, they seem to have gone a bit bonkers. What's the matter?
The news of the imminent birth of a granddaughter or grandson evokes a complex range of feelings in parents. They are happy for you, but the coming event forces them to rethink their own lives.
Your pregnancy tells the parents that the children have grown up, their son or daughter is no longer a child. Perhaps they are only now beginning to realize this — and it hurts them. It can be difficult for mom and dad to accept that their relationship with their daughter or son fade into the background, giving way to another family. In this case, they may strive to be around all the time — for fear of losing you. Often, this happens unconsciously [1].
For some, they use the new found role of being grandparent as a way to make up for other areas in their lives where there have been problems or they feel they have failed [1].
How do I tell them that I don't like all this increased attention without offending them?
This is a serious conversation because it touches everyone deeply. Chances are, you all find it difficult to accept new roles — you are no longer just their daughter, but a mother to your soon-to-be born bay. But it is essential for a healthy family life to talk through these changes. If you used to agree with your parents on everything, now is the time to draw more boundaries.
You might be scared to do this work, but it will help them understand that when you do not accept their advice or help, you are not rejecting them, but figuring out how to be a parent yourself. Affirm your feelings of love and admiration for them and listen to what your parents have to say. Learn to compromise while maintaining your boundaries.
For example, if your mother wants to go with you for an ultrasound , but you don’t want her to go with you, promise that you will discuss all the details with her and share photos afterwards [1].
What if my parents, on the other hand, seem unfriendly toward me?
Do not think that they have stopped loving you. Most likely, this is how they react to changes in their own lives. Perhaps they are not ready for the role of grandparents and do not know what to do. Perhaps they are afraid that you don’t want their help, so they take a step back [2].
Your pregnancy can give them anxiety about their own age and stage of life. Probably, they have images of their grandparents in their heads: old, gray-haired and wrinkled and they cannot come to terms with their future status [1].
If your parents become cold with you, ask directly what worries them. Make a list of specific things they can help with [2]. If this doesn’t help, take a deep breath and focus on what you need to get through the pregnancy. Do not internalize their issues [2].
What about my in-laws?
They may show the same reactions as your parents. You need to understand that any unpleasant behavior toward you is on them — associated with their own fears and expectations.
For example, your father-in-law might take an increased interest in your diet because you are about to give birth to his grandchild or granddaughter. And the mother-in-law, especially if she has no daughters, may suddenly begin to share with you in too much detail the experience of her own pregnancies.
If you feel that their attention is breaking boundaries, tell your husband about it. Ask him to talk to them. Make it clear that you will not shoulder their expectations. The sooner you differentiate the roles, the easier it is to raise a child later [1].
