Our early years are formative. They shape our attitude toward the world and other people, and they build the basic foundations of our personality. A child’s main guide to the world in these years is her mother. Her mother teaches her what the world is like and how to live in it.
If you grew up with a warm, caring mother and enjoyed a peaceful and trusting relationship with her, that’s a great precursor to your own motherhood experience! But for those of us who had (or still have) difficult relationships with our mothers, are we doomed? The answer is no!
A mother influences her child’s self-concept
When mama is calm and happy, baby feels that the world is a good and safe place where she is welcome. When mama speaks to baby affectionately, touches her gently, and listens attentively, the growing child understands that relationships between people are meant to be founded on love and kindness.
Conversely, when mama is nervous, angry, distant, or aloof, baby develops a sense that the world is full of danger. When baby is neglected or not touched, and when her needs are ignored, she gets the message that she is unworthy of love or attention. This unworthiness can breed a sense of guilt or shame. This early experience can form an attachment disorder [1].
A mother influences her child’s relationship with others
If your mother was sensitive to your feelings, responded compassionately when you were upset, and was there for you when you needed anything, this likely formed in you a healthy attachment style. Adults with healthy attachment are likely to treat their children the same loving way they were treated by their mothers [2].
Very early in life, our mothers help us understand our own needs. Long before an infant learns what it means that they are hungry, in pain, or uncomfortable, mothers are there taking care of those needs. Loving mothers teach us that our needs are not a problem. This ability to recognize our needs and to trust that they are not a problem is foundational to healthy adult relationships. It also helps us recognize and meet the needs of others, which is obviously essential in a parent role.
Becoming the mother you never had
If your mother did not give you the love and care you needed, it’s not all bad news. Psychological research has shown that attachment style gets passed down through many generations of a family, but this does not mean you are doomed to repeat your own childhood experience. Whether your mother was cold and harsh or excessively worried about your every move, you don’t have to be the same way.
Researchers who have studied real cases among US mothers have not found a direct cause-and-effect between a woman’s relationship with her own mother and the way she herself parents [3]. Women who actively work on healing their traumatic childhood experiences are able to develop the sensitivity that comes from a loving parent-child relationship. They are able to form warm and close relationships with their own children, even when they did not have that kind of experience growing up [4].
In cases of severe childhood neglect or trauma, it may be more difficult for a new mother to bond with her baby, compared to a woman who didn’t experience that neglect or trauma. This healing mama may not always intuit what her baby needs. She may have to work harder to learn how to be attentive and sensitive to baby. It may be helpful for this mama to see a therapist that specializes in early childhood development. This trained specialist can help determine where she and baby have difficulty communicating with one another, and can offer techniques to improve their relationship.
